Curious that I should need to say this to strangers. My mind has been drawn back to memories of last year. 2009 started well enough, I was grateful to have 2008 behind me. I was below the weather, but I was optimistic, running faster and more frequently. I made a "date" for my birthday...I put date in quotes because the gentleman is just a friend and I never expected him to see me as anything more. I bought the highest quality ingredients for our home made sushi dinner, I really enjoy having someone to cook for, though it is a pleasure I have not had recently. The whole week I was concerned that he would cancel, a few days prior I told him it would be my birthday so he couldn't cancel on me, he replied that he "wouldn't dream of it." But the morning of my birthday I woke with feelings of anxiety, I tried to put them out of mind, distract myself. My brother took me out to lunch, I always enjoy his company. Then I got the text that my evening plans wouldn't be going through, his flight back was canceled. Not his fault. I suggested a day that I was available if he would like to reschedule. But I didn't get a reply. And my spirits sank. The week was very difficult for me. I had PMS which only complicates matters. After I had been assured that he wouldn't dream of canceling on me, I thought it was safe to let the ladies at the gym know that I had something of a date. This is always a mistake, you will understand shortly. I am still receiving the question "how was your date?" Ahhhhh disspointment is so much more poignant when you have an audience. I know it breaks their hearts too, they all wish so much for me.
But the pain has little to do with the gentleman involved. This dissapointment takes me back to so many other instances when I have been left feeling deserted. The most painful instance has slowly materialized in my mind over the last week. It is the reason I am writing.
Valentines day, 2008. My one year anniversary with the man I planned on spending my life with. He was still living in Northern California, I had been in Seattle for 7 months, we had managed to see eachother nearly every month for a few days at a time. This time we planned to spend a week together to celebrate. I would go into work for the morning and he would be there to pick me up at 1. I woke up that morning and checked my phone...I was not surprised to see that he had not texted me or called me. Every time I woke up during the night I had done the same. He told me he planned on leaving during the wee hours to get here in time to meet me at work. He was an insomniac, he preffered to drive at night, less drivers on the road.
I was accustomed to this situation though. It was not unusual for him to plan to be home in time for dinner, so I would spend the whole afternoon preparing his favorite meals only to have them sit untouched for hours, he would show up 5-12 hours late.
So I did what I always did. I went on with my day, trying to stay optimistic. This was our anniversary, surely he wouldn't be late. I tried to convince myself that he was planning something special and wanted to surprise me. It turned into a beautiful, warm day, not a typical February day in Seattle. After work, I still hadn't heard from him, I started a slow walk home. Every time a silver car drove past my hopes rose then fell. Needless to say he wasn't home when I got there. He finally called that night to apologize, he said he would call in the morning to let me know if he would be able to leave that day. Every day of my vacation I waited for the call and got the same message each time "I'm sorry, I can't make it today, I'll call you tomorrow"
After my week of vacation all the women at the gym wanted to hear about it. Time and again I had to summon my strength to tell them that he was unable to make it, trying to sound like it was no big deal.
We finally broke up in April...apparently the wounds are still easily opened.
...
I finally made the sushi tonight, a week later, with the few ingredients that haven't gone bad. My stomach has little interest in food right now. I'll bring it for lunch tomorrow.
Thank you for understanding my departure from talk of running.
first run
this picture was taken before the first run. I put on all the gear I owned and realized I looked ridiculous, so i had to take a picture...It is the backdrop on my phone...harness the excitement from the first time, everytime
halloween
I am a spooky anaconda, at Curves
1 comment:
i know the feeling all to well, you know its these times when you need to just hang onto your friends close. The getting a date here is not fun, i think a part of me is kinda starting to die, the want, the passion, the touch. I find myself in a gym most of my time and reflecting in the darkness of a sauna. i knew it would be hard coming here, and i dont regret it, and i will stay. I find that i keep pushing myself to limits that any sane man would not, but i need to feel something even if its just a brief rush. anyways i am not one to give advice anymore, but i will make an exception..you do have a passion and desire that most gals dont have, just dont limit your options so much when looking for someone, not saying lower your standards by any means, when you
limit yourself, you pass up people who could be good friends.
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